Friday, April 25, 2003
How is that searching for "fucking web sit" on Yahoo pulls up around 114,000 hits and I'm number 2? Can those of you who know about computers and shit explain this to me? Here's the sentence that reels 'em in:
Thank god I don't have to do anything today except sit here and surf the fucking web.
So, all the search words are there but not in the right order. Of those 113,999 other sites that presumably had the same words together, why do I rate so highly? Why why why????
Thank god I don't have to do anything today except sit here and surf the fucking web.
So, all the search words are there but not in the right order. Of those 113,999 other sites that presumably had the same words together, why do I rate so highly? Why why why????
I am currently in the process of FedExing something to 1 Bungtown Road. Just thought you'd like to know.
For those really curious, here's the map.
For those really curious, here's the map.
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Another gem from notproud.com:
04/19/2003 at 07:18:05
I got drunk one night and was making pasta. It had been a real long time since I had sex, and was feeling pretty up for anything. Sadly, my room mate left his baseball mit on the table. Then Satan whispered in my ear, and before I knew what was happening, I was fucking that baseball mit full of warm pasta. I made a disgrace of myself that night...but baseball won another fan.
04/19/2003 at 07:18:05
I got drunk one night and was making pasta. It had been a real long time since I had sex, and was feeling pretty up for anything. Sadly, my room mate left his baseball mit on the table. Then Satan whispered in my ear, and before I knew what was happening, I was fucking that baseball mit full of warm pasta. I made a disgrace of myself that night...but baseball won another fan.
Monday, April 21, 2003
A week ago I hit the blackjack tables and made $200 in an hour. This past Saturday it took me two hours to make another $200. Yesterday, I decided to make the big push: take that $400 and turn it into something bigger or blow it all trying.
I got to the Drift around 4pm and immediately started in with the big bets – 2 hands of $25 each. Up and down it went, up and down, a comfortable rhythm, a little give and take with the gambling gods. Win a couple hands, raise the bets to $50 each, lose and then drop back down. Go up $100, go down $100, don’t get discouraged on the downslope because just round the corner is an upswing. The trick, and it’s so much harder than it sounds, is getting off the rollercoaster on the way up.
After a couple of hours I was up almost $700. I had voices in my head: “Leave now. Don’t be a jerk. Walk away now!” And: “Leave now?? Are you fucking crazy?? You’re hot, baby, you’re hot.”
I was hot. So I stayed. And played two $100 hands, just because I could. And lost. And then two $50 hands. Killed. And again. And it wasn’t long before I was down $100.
Now comes the hard part. Don’t think about the missed opportunity to leave with profit. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t go on tilt and start playing crazy. Play smart, be patient.
Crawling back. An hour later I’m up $50. Playing two $25 hands and plunking down $5 on the lucky ladies side bets – a sucker’s bet but, hell, I hit the two heart queens once before and that pays 125-1.
I’ve outlasted many dealers. Jonny’s on now, a middle-aged blonde with a squeaky voice. She’s friendly enough but not my favorite. She turns the cards over too slowly, too deliberately. I want to scream at her to go faster. I’ve been sitting in the same seat for five hours now, only moving to go to the bathroom a few times, my eyes are starting to bug out, I’m tired and I smell bad but I can’t leave, not yet, not until I win big or lose everything.
Jonny gives me a heart queen and my spirits pick up. She tops it with a diamond queen, paying 4-1, $20 on my $5 bet. Close but no jackpot.
There’s a couple of rubes at the table now – out-of-towners, husband and wife, playing $5 hands and not knowing what the fuck they’re doing. I’m getting a kick out of being the high roller on third base.
Jonny gives me another heart queen. I’m thinking, come on, come on. And here comes my second card…and, holy shit, it’s another heart queen. 125-1 on a $5 bet. I just won $625. Unselfconsciously I pump my fist and let out a “Yeah!” The rubes can’t believe it. I’m up about $650 now. But it’s not enough.
I lay out two $100 bets. And lose. Two $50 bets. Lose. I’ve just lost $300 in thirty seconds. I start getting the sinking feeling. The self-recrimination starts. I’m feeling very, very tired and all I want to do is go home. Fuck that. I lay out $50 bets and win. I keep on, putting out big bets, doubling down, splitting without fear. I do a monster split/double combination and win $250 on one deal. I go up $700. $800. $900.
A voice comes into my head and says, “Leave at $1000,” and I know that this is what I’ll do. Just get me there, Jonny!
Five minutes later I think I’m there. I lay out all my chips to give to Jonny to color up. The rubes watch, slackjawed, as I count it all – $25 green chips, $5 red chips, $1 blue chips, 50 cent pink chips. I have exactly $999.50 in winnings. I’m 50 cents short of $1000. I have to keep going.
The rubes are whispering to each other, unbelieving that I won’t leave because I’m 50 cents short of a grand. I know that I’m being a complete and total asshole, that I’m going to blow everything. But I’ve set my goal and I’m going to meet it or go broke trying.
I lose my next bets. And the next ones. And the next ones. I’m such a fucking jerk. Such an asshole. I’m gonna lose it all!
And then I win a hand. And another. And another. I put out two $75 bets and win them both and now I’m there, I’m over, and I push everything towards Jonny and let her turn it into black $100 chips. I say my goodbyes and walk, light as air, to the cashier, my pockets stuffed with black chips. I watch as she counts it all out – my original $400 plus my winnings, 15 $100 bills. I’ve won $1180 today, $1580 in the past week, and my wallet feels like a brick stuffed into my pants.
On the drive home I scream at the top of my lungs and try and keep my mind on the road. I get off the freeway and it’s so hard to drive 30mph, I just want to floor it. But I stay patient and smart and soon I’m home.
I got to the Drift around 4pm and immediately started in with the big bets – 2 hands of $25 each. Up and down it went, up and down, a comfortable rhythm, a little give and take with the gambling gods. Win a couple hands, raise the bets to $50 each, lose and then drop back down. Go up $100, go down $100, don’t get discouraged on the downslope because just round the corner is an upswing. The trick, and it’s so much harder than it sounds, is getting off the rollercoaster on the way up.
After a couple of hours I was up almost $700. I had voices in my head: “Leave now. Don’t be a jerk. Walk away now!” And: “Leave now?? Are you fucking crazy?? You’re hot, baby, you’re hot.”
I was hot. So I stayed. And played two $100 hands, just because I could. And lost. And then two $50 hands. Killed. And again. And it wasn’t long before I was down $100.
Now comes the hard part. Don’t think about the missed opportunity to leave with profit. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t go on tilt and start playing crazy. Play smart, be patient.
Crawling back. An hour later I’m up $50. Playing two $25 hands and plunking down $5 on the lucky ladies side bets – a sucker’s bet but, hell, I hit the two heart queens once before and that pays 125-1.
I’ve outlasted many dealers. Jonny’s on now, a middle-aged blonde with a squeaky voice. She’s friendly enough but not my favorite. She turns the cards over too slowly, too deliberately. I want to scream at her to go faster. I’ve been sitting in the same seat for five hours now, only moving to go to the bathroom a few times, my eyes are starting to bug out, I’m tired and I smell bad but I can’t leave, not yet, not until I win big or lose everything.
Jonny gives me a heart queen and my spirits pick up. She tops it with a diamond queen, paying 4-1, $20 on my $5 bet. Close but no jackpot.
There’s a couple of rubes at the table now – out-of-towners, husband and wife, playing $5 hands and not knowing what the fuck they’re doing. I’m getting a kick out of being the high roller on third base.
Jonny gives me another heart queen. I’m thinking, come on, come on. And here comes my second card…and, holy shit, it’s another heart queen. 125-1 on a $5 bet. I just won $625. Unselfconsciously I pump my fist and let out a “Yeah!” The rubes can’t believe it. I’m up about $650 now. But it’s not enough.
I lay out two $100 bets. And lose. Two $50 bets. Lose. I’ve just lost $300 in thirty seconds. I start getting the sinking feeling. The self-recrimination starts. I’m feeling very, very tired and all I want to do is go home. Fuck that. I lay out $50 bets and win. I keep on, putting out big bets, doubling down, splitting without fear. I do a monster split/double combination and win $250 on one deal. I go up $700. $800. $900.
A voice comes into my head and says, “Leave at $1000,” and I know that this is what I’ll do. Just get me there, Jonny!
Five minutes later I think I’m there. I lay out all my chips to give to Jonny to color up. The rubes watch, slackjawed, as I count it all – $25 green chips, $5 red chips, $1 blue chips, 50 cent pink chips. I have exactly $999.50 in winnings. I’m 50 cents short of $1000. I have to keep going.
The rubes are whispering to each other, unbelieving that I won’t leave because I’m 50 cents short of a grand. I know that I’m being a complete and total asshole, that I’m going to blow everything. But I’ve set my goal and I’m going to meet it or go broke trying.
I lose my next bets. And the next ones. And the next ones. I’m such a fucking jerk. Such an asshole. I’m gonna lose it all!
And then I win a hand. And another. And another. I put out two $75 bets and win them both and now I’m there, I’m over, and I push everything towards Jonny and let her turn it into black $100 chips. I say my goodbyes and walk, light as air, to the cashier, my pockets stuffed with black chips. I watch as she counts it all out – my original $400 plus my winnings, 15 $100 bills. I’ve won $1180 today, $1580 in the past week, and my wallet feels like a brick stuffed into my pants.
On the drive home I scream at the top of my lungs and try and keep my mind on the road. I get off the freeway and it’s so hard to drive 30mph, I just want to floor it. But I stay patient and smart and soon I’m home.
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