The Thing That

In the past two and a half years I've had a few pangs about leaving San Francisco, but now that the Gubernatorial Recall of 2003 is underway (aka Gooberfest) I'm really wishing I was there. Not only might I have the chance to vote for Ahnuld and Gary Coleman but now, according to Yahoo News, "Comedian Gallagher is also gathering signatures." Gooberfest is clearly the best thing to happen to washed-up celebrities since the reality TV craze hit. It'll be a huge disappointment if Corey Feldman, Vanilla Ice, and that guy who played Rerun don't throw their hats (or red berets) into the ring.

But then I'm thinking -- hey, it only takes 65 signatures and $3500 to become a candidate for Gooberfest. Really, that's not much more than the entrance fee to Burning Man these days. And who do I think would make a great Governor of that fine state to the South? Bob.

You know it's true. Bob is one of the smartest guys I know -- intelligent, thoughtful, engaged with the world around him. He'd be a great politician. Best of all, like Ahnuld, he was born a foreigner so he wouldn't use his position as Governor as merely a stepping stone to the Whitehouse. And of course, if he turned out to be a drunken, sociopathic disaster (which, admittedly, is something of a possibility) the voters can just recall him and then vote in Wink Martindale.

Anyway, $3500 is not that much money to raise. If we all pitch in $10 we only need 350 people to contribute. So, I hereby nominate Bob for Governor of California. Stay turned for details on where to send your donations.

Absolutely nothing to say so I may as well join in this translation of lyrics game. Here's Sister Christian gone German and back again. I'm thinking "It is applicable" could become a new catchphrase.

Sister Christian
OH, which is time come
and know you
that you the only one are,
to to say the O.K.
Where you going
which you searching
you to know those boys
would not like not to no more play with you
it is applicable

CHORUS
you to drive
which your price for flight is
if gentleman is found quite
you to have this evening completely right

baby, does not know you
you grow up so fast
Mommys concerns that you to last
to say over a leaving you
us to play
Sister Christian
it gives in the life
not you giving it
before your time is as many above
it is applicable
driving
which your price for flight is
you to have it in your sight
and by the night driving
which your price for flight is
driving
if gentleman is found quite
you to have this evening completely right
Sister Christian
OH - the time came
and you knows
that you the only one is, to to say
the O.K.
But you drive you drive

Despite testing positive for TB I apparently pose no threat to old folks, because last week I got the go ahead to start my volunteering. Saturday was my first day. I showed up a bit late and flustered, having opted for driving over bussing and managing to get myself good and lost. After checking in at the front desk and clipping a nametag to my shirt, I headed to the main room. There were about twenty clients. Some of them sat at round tables off to the side. Most were in chairs in the middle of the room set up in two rows facing each other, about ten feet apart. A man in his twenties stood in the middle of the rows, dribbling a large, very bouncy orange ball. This was Chris who I think was staff but might have been a volunteer; with my first-day jitters I wasn’t very good about retaining information.

The big activity this morning was sports, which Chris and I were supposed to do together but which he immediately left me to do on my own. Trial by fire I guess. Sports was kind of like dodge ball in super slow motion: I would gently bounce the ball towards people and they’d throw it back at me. Or try to. Some of them were kind of weak but they gave it their best effort. I thought it probably not a good idea to throw at the woman in the wheelchair with her face drooped in her lap.

This went on for a bit and then Chris reappeared briefly to give me a small hula hoop which was the key to another game. In this one, the hoop was placed flat on the ground and people tried to roll the ball so that it would stay in the middle. A hell of a lot harder than it sounds. One guy managed to get it in finally and there were some happy smiles: one of them had made it!

I saw myself in the role of carnival worker at a try-your-luck stall and was making with the “Who wants to try his luck?” and “Oh, better luck next time, madam!” comments. Some of the folks had vacant expressions the whole time; others seemed to get into the games, eyes lighting up with every near miss. There was a half drunk bottle of water lying about and I invented a new game: water bottle bowling. They had a grand time knocking it over.

After 45 minutes of this I was getting tired out. They got to sit in their chairs but I was moving all over the place, passing the ball to them and chasing down their errant throws. Then it was time for lunch. Chris and I and three other volunteers helped people to tables and passed out trays laden with cut-up burritos, salad, and bananas. Then we got to eat our own lunch – pizza, which felt like a treat. It was one of the volunteers last day. I didn’t quite get her name. She was preparing to take the Greyhound to New Orleans to start college. Since she professed to hating both the Greyhound and the heat, this seemed like a really bad idea. After eating I went home and lazed around in our new hammock, happy to waste the day after spending time being a good citizen.

Here's a little gem in today's IMDB news:

Magician To Play Russian Roulette on TV


Everyone from anti-gun advocates to anti-violence proponents are up in arms over plans by a London magician to perform a stunt in which he intends to load a single bullet into a six-shooter, put the gun to his head and repeatedly pull the trigger until he senses that the bullet has loaded, then fire it into the air. The magician, Derren Brown, has said that he will use "the power of mind control" to sense the bullet dropping into the chamber. The stunt, to be televised on Channel 4, has managed to attract an avalanche of publicity for the magician. "It could transform Brown, 32, into a modern-day Harry Houdini," the London Sunday Times observed.

Or a modern-day that-guy-from-the-band-Chicago-who-shot-himself. How will Siegfried and Roy top this? Smear themselves in gazelle blood before frolicking with the lions?