The Thing That

Called Pete this morning to see how things were in Toronto. He came home on a 12 hour coach ride yesterday from Sault Ste. Marie. Said it was very weird to arrive in TO at night with the lights all out. People milling about dazed on the sidewalk straight out of some apocalyptic sci-fi movie. Somehow he managed to snag a cab home but was horribly disappointed to be out of booze. I asked him why he didn't walk the few blocks to the liquor store and do some looting but Pete ain't the looting kind.

Meanwhile, I had a road rage incident while biking home from work yesterday. I was huffing and puffing my way up Eastlake, keeping my distance from the parked cars but not so much that cars couldn't pass me. A pick-up truck pulls past and a young guy leans out the passenger window, looks back at me, and yells, "Ride on the sidewalk you fucking retard!" Of course I yelled "Fuck you!" at the top of my lungs, and that little trouble-maker part of me sort of hoped they'd hit the brakes and there'd be a confrontation. But they just drove off, leaving me...unsatisfied. I watched them turn right at a light, exactly where I was planning to. Instinctively I cut right a block earlier, then zagged left up an alley, then right to go up a steep street. I saw them at the top of the street, turning left onto Boylston just as the light changed. Now there was little chance I'd catch them but I kept on. At the top there was no cross traffic so I turned left against the light. Right on Roanoke, through one set of lights, heading toward another set that always takes forever to change. Could it be....yes! There they were, about five cars back of the intersection, waiting for the light to change. My heart pounding, I rode up and stopped at the passenger window which was rolled all the way down. There were three people in the front, a woman in the driver's seat, the guy who yelled at me facing toward her so that I was staring at his right ear. They hadn't seen me. I leaned in so that my face was about a foot from the guy's ear and at the absolute top of my lungs screamed, "YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!" Not the cleverest of comebacks, perhaps, but it served the purpose. The guy jumped about a foot in the air as drivers and pedestrians turned to see what the commotion was about. I rode off and waited at the front of the line of traffic for the light to change. My heart really pumping now, I zoomed off just before the light went green. Down the hill, the second right to cut up Interlaken Ave, sure that they were going to follow, ready to wield the kryptonite if it came to it. But they didn't follow and I pedalled home satisfied that I'd damaged the guy's nerves if not his eardrum.

I'm still pissed at Blogger for giving away my original blog, http://mikeg.blogspot.com. It's been a month and the new tenant still hasn't put anything up besides his initial test. Should I be pleased about this emptiness or annoyed that someone clearly undeserving has nabbed my blogspot?

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get hooked on Six Feet Under because everyone in the world seems to think it's the greatest TV show ever. So far the first two DVDs have been...okay. Nothing mindblowing but not total crap either. It must get a lot better to warrant all that critical hoopla...right???

Saturday morning I was back hanging out with the old folks. This time me and Enrique were leading them in bowling. Enrique seemed to have it pretty much under control so I spent my time chatting with people. Most were friendly but uncommunicative. One grizzled fellow, sitting by himself, wore a baseball cap emblazoned with the name of some navy squadron. I asked him if he had been in the navy and he said he'd worked for the government - in the navy, the army, and the civil service. I didn't quite get what exactly he had done but he got very animated talking about travelling all over the world and how people everywhere had problems regardless of their race and how he'd been to some good places but to a lot of places that weren't any fun at all. He looked at me all serious and said (and I quote): "There was only one thing that made it tolerable...cunt!" He then launched into the virtues of $5 hookers as I tried not to burst out laughing.

I'm sure someone else has already picked up on the "Predator Governor" phenomenon but what the hell, I'm gonna offer my two cents since it occurred to me this weekend. See, Jesse Ventura is the governor of Minnesota and Ahnuld has a damn good shot at becoming the governor of California. Besides being brawny politicians, Jesse and Ahnuld co-starred together in the awesome '80s action flick Predator. Is this a coincidence? Perhaps.

Now, if I'm Carl Weathers -- beloved by many far and wide as both Apollo Creed (Sylvester Stallone's ring rival in Rocky) and Action Jackson -- I'm thinking to myself, hey, I was in Predator, I deserve to be a governor too. Turns out old Carl is a New Orleans native. Louisiana, where electoral funny-business is practically a guaranteed right, seems the perfect place to run an "I was in Predator too" campaign. I mean, who the hell wouldn't vote for Action Jackson?

So, Carl, if you're reading this, you should seriously think about putting together an exploratory committee. And just think of the free publicity when Alien Vs. Predator gets released in 2004.